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Confessions of a Ladyfest JunkieMy first one, Ladyfest Midwest Chicago August 2001, was blissful. I had a bad slot on the last night but I was there. By the skin of my teeth I had managed to perform. I proudly advertised the event on my site and was greeted everyday with congratulatory e-mails about my impending appearance. I actually got to go to a show or two the night before and was overwhelmed by the size of this thing. It was in fact the event that ate Chicago. Hundreds of people from everywhere flocking, buzzing, talking, meeting, sharing, brainstorming… It was in Chicago where I first started to initiate Ladyfest South. People took me seriously. They were curious and encouraging. I was floored and inspired. Next stop New York City for Ladyfest East September 2001. This was pretty visceral stuff here. It was New York pre-9/11 (actually three days before). I was playing at the Knitting Factory on Leonard off Broadway. If you’ve never been, just imagine three floors of cutting edge art happening simultaneously, cohesively. I had a great night. The crowd was swollen, hanging from the balcony, out the doors, sweaty, sweet and feral. The smell of the righteous was strong but clean. My mom and two of my sisters were even there. I sang her favorite song, dedicated another to my grandmother and then ripped into "Iguana" without blinking. I felt connected to my audience as I had never felt before on stage. Feeling whole as an artist (or for me anyway) is a very rare occurrence. I often feel fragmented or distracted. I have one million thoughts running through my mind at any given time. That night, they all seemed to come together in one shining beacon of truth for me. I hadn’t really ever lived "in the moment" while performing. I’d seen it but never accomplished it. When I was done I realized I had lived it. My shoes were off, my clothes were sticking to me, my mom was proud and I was truly happy… After Ladyfest East I started the planning of Ladyfest South (www.ladyfestsouth.org) in my adopted hometown of Atlanta, GA. I had done this kind of planning before with Queerstock Tour (www.queerstock.org) so I wasn’t daunted by the task necessarily. It was a new experience for me however because I had never actually had to work with other people before. It’s a very different experience and I’ve learned a lot about people and myself since then. I’m increasingly proud of the fact that we pulled through our personal differences to make this happen. We had release parties for the compilation CD "Southern Belles Raising Hell" (www.cdbaby.com/southernbelles) in March during Women’s History month and managed to start raising some funds. We continued to try and raise money (and awareness) throughout the spring. We’re still raising it… During that time I was anticipating performing at Ladyfest Bay Area July 2002 over the summer but still hadn’t heard anything by mid June. I left for the tour that would bring me to San Francisco with or without a Ladyfest show. I was inconsolable. Would I ever be able to just witness a Ladyfest without participating? What had I done or NOT done? Why wasn’t I playing? WHAAAHHHH! But, then I got the sweetest of e-mails. It read: "Ladyfest Bay Area loves Doria Roberts! We want her to play!" I immediately became my old self again and realized I might have a slight problem with my need to perform at a Ladyfest. But that was really close (only 1 1/2 weeks before my scheduled date). The night was also fantastic AND it was the opening event. I had never experienced opening night at the other Ladyfests because I was always touring. But here I was playing with Jody Bleyle of Team Dresch, Kate Schellenbach of Luscious Jackson and being introduced by Lynn Breedlove from Tribe 8 (who called me a "genius"—holy mother of god). The pulse of this crowd was unbelievable—rivaled that of even NYC. The support I got and love I felt as an indie artist was unparalleled. I had again experienced that "in the moment out of body thing". The rush, the high had intensified. Afterwards, I greeted a steady flow of satisfied faces from London, Colorado, Vancouver, New Mexico, and Japan. But we were all home… Ladyfest DC was a little traumatic but definitely fun. It reminded me of the first Queerstock actually. I played in a park on a perfect day with a generator run sound system, with 200 or so kindred spirits transcending our last remaining boundaries. It was haphazard and bruised but very special in the end. Then it was back to Ladyfest East for their second festival in Brooklyn. Williamsburg to be exact. Anyway, we were a day shy of a full moon on one of the last nights of a beautiful summer and I could feel myself getting edgy. I tried chatting with organizers while not trying to breathe in potentially harmful mold that had taken over the dungeon like dressing room area. I watched Penny Arcade perform and realized that being in the audience at a Ladyfest was just as fulfilling as being a performer. I made a mental note to try it again soon. Then a small wrench was thrown into what was otherwise a perfect night. One of the artists was not there. They didn’t want to believe it. They didn’t want to announce it. I assured them she would show up soon. Her set time came and went but still no sign. They asked me to go on in her place and, even though it was earlier than I was scheduled to play, I was happy to oblige. But I couldn’t find my drummer and I hadn’t written out a set list yet. So, they found someone else to play a couple of tunes while we got ourselves together. Just as I was about to get on stage, the missing performer showed up. Everyone was happy to see her. We composed ourselves and the show went on as originally planned. But I was hot. Not "angry hot" but literally "hot". My cheeks were red and my blood was pumping at an unprecedented rate. I had been ready to play. Ready to step up and be a part of this "thing". But I had to wait so I went outside into the cool Brooklyn air and talked with the door guy for a while. We were as opposite as two human beings could be but we talked. He told me about his dad living in Brooklyn and his mom living in New Jersey but how NYC was really his home. I confessed I was from Jersey, we laughed, I went back inside to watch some more and then finally on stage again feeling absolutely magical… ****One of my favorite books is "Slaughterhouse Five" by Kurt Vonnegut. It’s sci-fi and I highly recommend it. It’s a story of time travel and this one man’s journey through his mind, the world and beyond. The basic premise is that time (all of time) exists simultaneously. There is no past, present or future per se. We are constantly living, existing in "the moment" that is happening, whatever is happening on many different planes all at once. At Ladyfest East I had dedicated my set to the female artists that had come before me and paved the road I was eagerly riding. I had cheered on my compadres and chanted that this is "our time". But, as I was falling asleep that night, I realized I had forgotten to mention the ones that are coming up! I started to reminisce about my volunteering stint at the Rock and Roll Camp for Girls in Portland, OR (www.girlsrockcamp.org) earlier this year. Remembering the 7 year-olds proudly touting guitars two sizes too big for them. The drummers and bass players who were too young to remember the advent of MTV but who wore pictures of Pat Benetar, Sleater Kinney and Joan Jett on their shirts and sleeves. And the 5 year old (?) who asked one of the other performers during a Q&A, "How long has your guitar been alive?" In the dark, exhausted and spent, I had an epiphany. This wasn’t my time. It has never been about my/your/their/our time. I now believe in simultaneous existence just like the one dreamed up by Kurt Vonnegut. I am neither the future nor the past. I am simply part of a moment. A never ending, eternal moment owned by no one. That’s what I had been feeling. That was the connection I had finally made that night in New York 2001 and continued to feel in other cities. This realization perfectly captured the "wholeness" I described earlier. "I felt infinite."** And I owed it all to Ladyfest… So here I am, still waiting for Ladyfest South to happen. Wondering what it’s going to do to me to be an organizer/performer/spectator. Will I overdose? Will it be too much of a good thing? Will I feel the same highs I’ve felt before? Will I remember what I’m there for and why I did it? Will I remember to pass the torch while keeping mine burning? So, I’ll leave you with a little Ladyfest mantra to get you through your Ladyfest withdraw/addiction:
Goddess speed to Ladyfest Seattle (www.ladyfestseattle.org), Los Angeles (www.ladyfestlosangeles.org), Philly (www.ladyfestphily.org), Texas, Florida , Out West (Colorado), INDONESIA and beyond… Peace, **The quote "I feel infinite" is from the novel "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" by Robert Chbosky. |
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